by Susan Liddy

We all experience disappointment now and then. That job interview you were really excited about didn't pan out. The man you've been dating decides to break it off. Weekend plans are canceled. We don't always get what we were hoping for, and sometimes people let us down. This is all a normal part of life.

Having and expressing feelings when things don't go our way, is also normal. But we have to be careful about this. We don't want to direct these feelings someplace where they don't belong - such as at ourselves.

What are your favorite ways to release disappointed feelings? Watch a romantic movie and have a good cry? Take your frustration out on the stepper machine? Have a long talk with a good friend? Give yourself a pat on the back; these are all healthy practices that help us let go of negativity, instead of keeping it bottled up inside. Holding onto negative feelings is detrimental to our health. "Paying them forward" in our relationships, at our jobs, is also not a good way to channel negative emotions.

How do you know when you've crossed over into wallowing?

When we wallow, we dwell in disappointment with a sense that it will last forever. Sometimes we imagine that bad things happen to us because we are wrong or inferior in some way. We can't stop beating ourselves up!

"I didn't get the job because I'm incompetent."

"He doesn't want to date me anymore. Maybe I'm just too dull and boring..."

"My friends always put me as their last priority because I'm a doormat."

When we self-chastise over circumstances beyond our control, we allow our feelings to own us. Earlier in this article, we were simply having feelings and honoring/releasing them. That was okay. But when it becomes about you, your imagined inadequacies and self-blame, you've crossed over into wallowing. That's when you make yourself a victim with no personal power.

Sometimes it can feel good to be a victim and to "give up" - but don't be fooled. Acting like the victim actually fuels negative beliefs and feelings, and gives fear the upper hand. Then we tend to lose the connection of what we feel bad about in the first place. We're getting farther away from where we would really like to be - a place of happiness and self-acceptance!

Reality Check

Disempowering behaviors to watch out for:

• Not eating right, not drinking water, not exercising.
• Letting opportunities pass us by because our negative self talk tells us not to bother.
• Avoiding social engagements as a form of isolating.
• Becoming overly defensive, overly sensitive.
• Judging others and engaging in gossip.

How to move past the wallowing and get back into living!

Release feelings - learn to simply feel them without any attack on ourselves AND without responding to them directly. Instead, respond to the unmet needs that are creating the feelings.

Allow yourself to feel bad, sad, angry, disappointed... without defining yourself because of how you feel. Embrace your humanity, own up and forgive yourself if necessary.

Replace the negative self talk with love to the part of us that feels bad. Remember that you are a good person with special talents and a loving nature. You are beautiful and deserve happiness.

Comfort and soothe with understanding and self acceptance. Negative feelings have a message for you and through love and understanding that message can be heard.

Fearless Integration

Often it helps to journal your way back to self-love and self-empowerment. Next time you feel let down and disappointed about something, journal it. In your journal, ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What event or circumstance triggered my feelings?
• What do I fear my feelings mean or say about me?
• What is the truth of me and this experience?
• What do I need right now?
• How can I meet this need in an empowering way?
• What can I learn from this experience?

As you journal allow your feelings to flow and release. Cry, yell, stomp your feet if needed. Then take a deep breath and acknowledge yourself as you get back on track.

Are you stuck in a Cycle of Disempowerment™? Coaching can help you feel better. Contact us for your complimentary session and to learn more.

Aspire Life Coaching has created a beautifully designed Empowerment Journal to bring you closer to self understanding and personal empowerment. Penned by founder and Certified Life Coach Susan Liddy, the Empowerment Journal supports you with the ALC Daily Empowerment Practice™™ and teaches the Passages to Empowerment™. Learn more on this page.

Copyright 2008 Susan Liddy and Aspire Life Coaching. All rights reserved.